The Time Difference - My Weekend Summarized

(Source: thefezman)

The 1,000th Post

I’d like to thank my followers who have been dedicated to TheFezMan Tumblr since the beginning of the blog, I know you’ve all probably got more important things on your mind but this is something to do. My praise for the followers although highly valued I’m going to cut short for little want of writing down what I feel.

I keep repeatedly feeling like there is nothing I can specifically say I’m good / better at than anyone else in general conversation. Yes I do an IT course but in general conversation I’m like the slime that first crawled out of the ocean, that’s how bad I feel towards this simple but crushing lack of abilities. The amount of times I’ve been tempted just to forget caring and take up the bottle is increasing. It doesn’t help that my relatives were either; alcoholics, mentally unstable, or have extreme OCD. My mother always assures me that I’ve none of these ailments but regardless despite its taste on my gums, I’d gladly become an alcoholic if it meant I was happy.

“Up with the barracks and down with the rules.”

I would imagine my mind saying. As mentioned in posts gone I’ve said to my friends and even my girlfriend that if they want to leave now and save themselves they can, not a single one of them walked away. That will kill my forever knowing that I’m going to become a right bastard and they’ll eventually hate me, or worse I end up hating myself more to an unhealthy degree. The bigger problem is that I can never started a sentence properly into a normal / average conversation, whenever I try someone always starts first they try and comfort me in the most patronizing thing ever.

I’m powerless to say or do anything, purely because I’m either the youngest or the most un-contributing to conversation. I wouldn’t be surprised if my friends got bored of me, in fact I actively encourage it. There is literally nothing I can do from here except let whatever three of the genetic disorders becomes not only my fate, but my life.

I can see why they don’t particularly want me to join in conversation; I repeat things I personally found cool to the same people over and over again. I can never remember this you must understand, people must think it’s a joke I put on but it genuinely isn’t, I can remember most of the days I have on this Earth and I ever will be able to. I intend to die young but not by my own doing, it’ll most likely be by the doings of my friends and I wouldn’t blame at all if they did. I’ve no real skill / ability / knowledge, for now this is me, the world’s most boring men alongside nerds and computer programmers. I wouldn’t normally think this but there isn’t much choice or chose that’s just the issue at the moment, physically I can’t change anything, Mentally I’m next to more useless then.

So in total I’m not going to ramble on and on like I could about “Oh life’s terrible” and so on, but there is absolutely nothing I can either say or do to change anything about it. No matter how happy my circumstances I’ll always have those hidden thoughts in the back of my mind. Why can no one sense that I’m actually unstable mentally, anyone I ever tell they say that I’m just having an off day!? Well eat this it’s been just over 2 years, that is one hell of an off day

*Stories will be up as usual soon enough, had a rather hectic week-end.*

Is it me or is it them,
the thoughts that hurt the most.
the haunting scenes that I can’t condemn,
hateful stories for which I shall not boast.

(Source: thefezman)

Insomnia - Is It Becoming Regular

Well the plain and simple answer to that question is no. I know it isn’t becoming an issue, this is merely because of excessive amount of video games I keep playing with friends. Today for instance I was playing Terraria on my server, and all horidness aside it isn’t half bad. But anyway back onto my main point.

My mood as such has improved, granted not by much at all but enough to keep it ticking over. My outlook on life and indeed reality as a whole is still the same, I suppose the only way really to get out of it is to keep myself busy. Although I am certain I’ve already said this but to those who have seen my in person in recent times, it isn’t your fault I have that mind set. My mind set in current times is more disregarded to those around me but not in a particularly evil way.

On this note here’s alittle poem I’ve just decided to write about this.

Life and all those who live with it,
Life that we deal with bit by bit.
We’ve got no choice or choose,
But in the end there’s only one thing to loose.
The soul that God gave us with sin,
The idea that kills us within!
For our days are always dated,
No one here to feel elated.
To the ones who wish to die,
Waiting for the rest to lie!

What an odd song, but anyway regardless of this I’m gonna leave the internet as it should be.

Questions / Asks / General Enquires are all welcomed on my ask page.

Southend-On-Sea - What it’s like now

Southend-On-Sea famed for what it was so long ago. Picture postcards have become collectible of Southend-On-Sea and other like towns, but unlike these postcards Southend certainly isn’t what it used to be. People who don’t live anywhere near Southend would think it a lovely place, where the sun shines constantly and the people are nice and friendly towards you. Well for a matter of fact if someone is being nice to you or plain civil the chances are their intentions are less than agreeable. With towns such as Eastwood and Rayleigh nearby Southend has to be possibly one of the greatest epicenters for antisocial behavior alongside Eastwood and Rayleigh themselves.

Focusing briefly on the appeal of Southend and how it has changed now it is now somewhat, fearing and unfriendly. The only real time that Southend-On-Sea is agreeable is in the lone day of summer when everyone is one the beach, talking far too loudly and screaming when they’re next to each other. I mention “the lone day of summer” because unlike Southend 20 odd years ago, there is only one day of summer rather than the traditional season of good weather which England is suppose to have. the attractions of Southend although theoretically still in working order really aren’t what they used to be either. For example the ever so grand and spectacular Southend pier, this is a timeless classic to wonder or even take the train along. Providing the planks aren’t all broken by the time you reach the end or it hasn’t caught fire again which seems the more likely. As for the other attractions of Southend they have been renewed, replaced, and even new ones added. Sadly this means that there is no less space on the beach then their was to begin with.

Regarding the people of Southend is much like that of comparing the intelligence of us to dolphins, only few people are going to know that dolphins are more intelligent and so forth all of the youth in Southend think they’re gods gift to the world of knowledge. When the simple reality is that if you glance over their line of vision for more than two seconds their minds go into panic and take the instant get out or fight options, the later regrettably being the more popular one when in their usual groups. Speaking of the older generations of Southend they are much more serene and peaceful with the town and its youth then strangers to the town would be. It is almost as if that they saw the troubles and worries in the gene pool and thought “their mistake, at least I know the way forward.”. I’m not going to say that everyone in Southend is a slack jawed bunch of morons, only those with an intelligence that is under the number of fingers on one hand.

This guide or entry is only merely a light endeavor into what I personally think Southend-On-Sea is all about, but as for others opinions on this I couldn’t have a say in the matter.

(Source: thefezman)

Looking into the Bubble

The bubble is a concept that I and I’m sure others have learned and loved to hate. The bubble is simply the idea that everything that goes on in the world and indeed anywhere in the universe is encased in a bubble. Many live in the bubble such as business people and other hard working people, these people don’t really see the bubble more make the bubble more of a bubble. People who don’t really work in any capacity are more the depressives who see the world is pointless but have no idea why they see it like that. Then there’s people like me, those who see the bubble from the outside looking in and being depressed and almost ashamed at what they see. I can’t help for be one of these people as I see the world as an ordeal that really can be left till tomorrow.

People always ask me why I seem down on occasions so I thought I better explain the bubble while I can. The reason I am sometimes depressed is because after seeing the same processes being repeated over and over again you can’t help but think it pointless. This is not helped by the fact that I’m an over thinker by nature and so not only sees the pointlessness of mankind, but I also see why we shouldn’t do them. To anyone I’ve explained the bubble to they’ve just gone completely quiet either out of spite of speechlessness, although those who do carry one talking do soon realize that it is useless trying to convince me otherwise.

There has been moments in my life both in the past and recently where I have genuinely wanted to die. Not so much in suicide or spite of something more in desperation, but in desperation for something only against. I would love to leave this Earth knowing full well that I wouldn’t have to glance at the way it works anymore than I have already. By using this theory I am certain that I’ll not only die alone, but also die being hated by those that occasionally pass the view of my aging eyes.

If I was ever granted one wish it would not be for ultimate power or world happiness, but for everything no matter how obscure to have meaning. I presume I’m a vaguely good writer because of this point of view but whether that is the answer is anyone’s guess. Their is a history in my family, not so much of this point of view but of mental illness. I am almost certain that I have a mental illness of some description hense why I think like this, and if my mind is going to go the way that my families has done. Then the words I speak to those who attach themselves to me are wise ones indeed. I have told some of my friends and indeed my girlfriend to leave me, not because I want them to but because if they don’t leave now they’ll have to suffer me for an exceeding long time.

I’m not here to say things are right or wrong, I’m only here to give warning of myself.

If you have just read that and you aren’t one of my closet friends then I commend you and wish you a happy and enjoyable time on this planet.

If you are someone who knows me personally do not question me on this matter under any costs and have an enjoyable time on this Earth

Regards TheFezMan

(Source: thefezman)

Portal 3 - Plotline and Speeches

I’ve written a in depth document on the speeches and scenarios of ‘Portal 3’.

As attempts of sending in the document to Valve have gone ignored I’ve decided to make the document public.

If you would like to see this document then please send me your Google account address, as it is shared via Google docs.

It goes without saying that the distribution or use of the document without my knowledge and consent is strictly forbidden under any circumstances.

Aside from that happy reading.

(Source: thefezman)

TheFezMan Sends His Appologies

After writing a complete plot line to Portal 3 including entity descriptions / Easter eggs / mock up speeches, I’ve realized that I haven’t really been posting stuff onto this blog. If anyone would like to have a look at the ‘Portal 3 - Storyline and Speeches’ document please message me.

I would like to inform all my dearest followers that I am currently working on a biography / Doctor Who - Big Finish / A guide to anything and everything.

But the guide is going to take a life long time to complete

Because of this I haven’t been able to really have time to write fan fiction and some random stories on here, and for that I am truly sorry. I am writing my usual stories continually however but I’ll like them to be unpublished until either books are published, or TheFezMan gets bored.

In the mean time for any MineCrafters out there I have got a dedicated server running 1.1 Vanilla - But won’t be up for some time due to me and my friends testing out the Hack / Mine SMP found in the technic launcher.

(Source: thefezman)

Right I’ve Decided

I’m Going To Spend A Few Days / Weeks Away From Everyone I Usually See, Which Is Quite A Lot Of People. The Reasons I’ve Decided To Do This I’d Like To Keep Private, Well Private To My Blog At Least. Appologies.

David ‘TheFezMan’ Joseph

I’m Not Really Needed - Biographical Blog Post

Well here I am another depressive day so I thought way not top it all off with random blog post that every intends to ignore and forget, if you don’t ignore and forget this then I suggest you do so immediately. My life over the past few days haven’t been the most enjoyable but then again they certainly weren’t disastrous. My mind has grown rather sick and tired of not only the sight of people but the whole concept of people also, this is beginning to burn down deep inside me because I know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing I can do.

“Why do I bother?”

I ask to myself on regular but not misleading occasions this question over and over in my head and sometimes quietly when I break off from the main group. What I and many other people would give just to avoid the ever answering of this question, and what consequences it may cause to us if we answer.

My circle of friends isn’t a large scale one, yes of course I have people I bump into rarely but I like to think of them as really chilled out dudes rather than friends. But these friends with my other half included always have stories, now I’m not saying everyone hasn’t got stories because everyone has. But my stories are so mind boggling dull that no one wants to listen to them. My taste in music is nowhere up to date I’ll admit that, but whenever I play a song to someone I always get the same “I don’t like that” or “it’s dull” or “I really don’t care David”. But whenever someone shows a song to me, and a song that everyone else in the room has appeared to have heard it is instantly the gospel fresh from gods arsehole. Now don’t think for one moment I’m saying don’t have your taste in music because that’s simply isn’t right, just don’t go on about how your music is great and mine is rubbish because for most music is all they’ve got, for me more so.

Ah now the small matter of perception is one that my mind has forcefully tried to stop working, my eyes are now being voluntary strained just so I have to close them. My body is gradually shutting down but I can’t gradually go down with it. I just stay there out of the spotlight to avoid detection but tonight I made an important promise to myself.

“For every conversation I have I am going to put in a little less into the conversation itself because I’ll only be ridiculed, and possibly insulted depending on the persons mood.”

I suppose it’s bad that killing myself seems like a faint but plausible destination, although if I ever told my friends this they’d laugh because the chances are they’ve encountered someone who has already had these thoughts so many times. Therefore will hurt me even more by saying so.

Apparently you have to do something either stupid or brave or most likely both with a bit of luck thrown in to get a say in edgeways. But if you’re like me not exciting and therefore ‘boring’ good luck with socializing because you won’t be worthy of so many words. It’s like the character limit on Twitter

What Should I Do?

(Source: thefezman)

That Thought

Throughout his lifetime there was always one thought cruising through his brain waves, he’d say it was embedded in his brain pattern itself. But on this one occasion he had no choice but to obey this brain wave, it was so strong and so demanding there was nothing he could do. He stood there in the field alone glaring out at all the trees forests around him, he breathed a sigh of all that which happened to be around him. He could never have expected this one thought to take so much hold of his life, never more so to what it eventually did to him. He wondered through the field surrounded by the fields that made up this part of the land, the wind soft and embracing suspiciously like the thought in his head. The crops breezing in the embracing wind hugging and loving his legs as they ploughed through them. His body weak and frail from times gone by, each event feeling as if it was years ago and not just a few moments ago.

He always knew that a day would come, a frightening but welcoming day where everything would turn to the thought buried deep in his skull. A lone tear forced itself down his face as he walked, but for some reason the tear wasn’t in fear or anger. It was merely in acceptance at what was to come. He knew there was literally nothing he could do to prevent the events he predicted. His thought being at the centre of every single one of these events. He was powerless and it wasn’t going to be long before he was useless. Anyone would have thought him mad for even thinking twice about it, not to mention repeatedly in his mind. If only everyone could see is point of view, so happy but so scared and frightened. He heard a noise come from behind him, the sound of a boy not dissimilar to himself he turned only to find the field was still indeed completely empty.

“Why?”

He mattered to himself as he stopped in his tracks to see what he believed to be his younger self. He looked up at the skies and pleaded with the gods, anything for an answer or rather an instruction. Something he could do to avoid his inevitable fate. He breathed another sigh once more at the field hoping for the answers he asked for. Nothing happened the crops still loved him, and the wind was still hugging him. It wasn’t long before he accepted that no answer was coming to his rescue, and so he picked a wood not the nearest but not the furthest away from him. As he walked through the fleeting desire of the crops grips he found the clearing and entered the woods. The trees that should be dominating him and killing him inside and out weren’t. They were calm and inviting as if the biggest and scariest thing compared to a thought was somehow nice.

He made his way through streams, pre-determined paths and new paths to reach the centre. Upon finding the centre a massive circular gap was found in the trees, nothing to say it had been burned or invaded. But then again nothing to say it was safe again. He held his phone to his face and observed the screen; the screen itself didn’t provide much help only that one missed call wasn’t going to cut this thought out. He closed his eyes and more tears one by one streamed and coiled down his face to great the cold dusty floor below. He faced upward and opened his eyes and screamed out all that was on his mind.

“This thought……………this one and only thought………………..It WILL happen………………and I can do nothing……………………..they WILL all leave me……………….and there is NOTHING I can do to stop that…………………I don’t wish to end my life………………………but if it means they’ll be happy quicker so be it………………………………”

He looked down back at the forest floor and his knees weakened. He had no choice but to kneel to the grounds mercy. Tears like no others falling to the ground each one holding promises and dreams that he had, each killing and burning him inside. He wasn’t one for sobbing but what choice did have. He clutched his phone once more pouring his soul into it, each pulse through his hands each sob from his face. One of fear, nothing more, nothing less, but unequivocal and undeniable fear.

(Source: thefezman)

The Urge

This is a story I thought up whilst walking back from taking a friend home at One AM

I could have done it, right there and then. I could have killed myself. I haven’t been meaning to do anything like that, just in that instant anything could’ve happened. Always when I’m walking across that bridge, I always find it in my will to stop half way along. I know everyone has a fear of falling off a bridge now matter how big, small, tall, or even short. But am I the only one who always wonders what it would be like to jump onto the oncoming traffic, the feeling of falling.

I personally have never had any notion to kill myself in recent times, but just the thought of it seems so promising. Bridges are the devices to get from one place to another, but sadly people find it in their will to stop the journey and jump off half way through. Am I one of those people?

Am I?

The bridge in question wasn’t that large only stretching across two dual carriage ways, but why do I stop? Just the thought of it sounds so great, being able to jump and be caught by something on the way down. Most would call it death, some would call it hope. I call it promising. But is everything that is unknown promising?

Is it?

What a feeling it is being up there, its not exactly head in the clouds but it’s still nice. Just the sight of the cars and trucks whizzing beneath your feet. Knowing that there is very little between you and falling directly into their path. It’s a shame that you can’t share the same experience with a friend, although it’s funny how if a strangers doing the same thing they know exactly what you mean. Unfortuneately strangers like that don’t stay strangers for long. What I’d give for someone to stand up there with me, looking down at the traffic knowing full well that if I jumped they would too. Not because they love me or that they’re my friend, but because they want to fall as well.

If only someone had the answers to my one problem, the only question that could have so many answers. Why doesn’t anyone know the answer? Why can’t I even find it?

Am I mad? And if so how am I mad?

(Source: thefezman)